Alright, so I had really good intentions of writing a
serious blog about my recent struggles with confidence in the jumper ring
yesterday. I apologize for being one of
those people that makes jokes of important stuff because they need copious amounts
of therapy or something.
The truth is, I genuinely have been struggling with my
confidence as a rider lately. The funny
thing about riding is that it's unbelievably difficult, but half of the battle is belief in oneself. A rider can have all the tools in the
toolbox, but if they are questioning each decision as they make it (or in my
case, in the car on the way to make it), well, disaster.
I’ve never been one to think I’m amazing without cold, hard
proof. When I first started showing
Richie in the Hunter Under Saddle in 2010 one of my trainer’s biggest critiques
was that I didn’t go out there and show like a winner. I didn’t give off the impression that it was
just one more class out of the hundreds I’d already won. “Boooooring.
This again?” Of course once half
the season was behind me and Richie and I were undefeated in our division, I
started to get a little swagger.
That said, I’m new to the jumping. It’s really hard for me to admit this to
myself, and even harder to write it on the internet. However, in the absence of a licensed therapist, I decided it’s important
for me to say out loud(ish), in public, no takebacks: I don’t suck.
I’ve been at it consistently for about 12.5 months, and sometimes I get
so focused on where I want to go that I forget where I’ve come from. It’s really hard for me to truly believe I’m
any good when I don’t have a plethora of wins under my belt. In fact, it’s one of my biggest peeves that
so many people take for granted that they are wonderful riders. They don’t work hard, they don’t listen to
critique, they don’t eat/sleep/breathe it…and yet when they don’t ride
effectively they pout and (an even bigger peeve of mine) buy a new horse.
Stop the music!
WHAT? You show up for 45 minutes
twice a week and you have tantrums at the shows when you aren’t the winner? Who is your fairy godmother because I need to
ask her for some of the bullshit confidence she gave you?
Yeah. It's a hot-button. I digress...
I got bucked off a very large, very athletic (read:
gravity-defying) mare on the backside of an oxer yesterday afternoon. Hard.
I stood no chance. After we
caught her I got back on, the mare and I came to an agreement, and we had a
couple more goes around the course. I’ve
thought about it all night and all day today.
I really thought it was important to go ride again this morning, but
there are parts of my body that disagreed, so I took the day off. I didn’t think it was important because I got
bucked off and I wanted to go “get back on the horse.” What I thought about all night was that even
though I put the mare in a perfect spot for takeoff, I was infinitely weak with
my upper body, and maybe if I hadn’t thrown myself over the front of her she
wouldn’t have pulled the front rail and scared herself. I’m not going to say she wasn’t being
naughty, but if you asked her she would probably tell you that I was being a
cow, too.
My point is that getting bucked off does absolutely nothing to
my confidence; it doesn’t scare me, and it doesn’t make me any less secure in
my basic abilities. Knowing that I probably
got bucked off for a reason…well, that hurts.
But the worst part – the very worst part – is that I’m sitting here
writing about it now. The more time that
goes by the more time I spend convincing myself that it was my fault, and that
I should have done X, Y and Z differently.
I like to think that this is how I learn from my mistakes, but at some
point about 18 hours ago the learning ceased and the self-flagellation
commenced.
“I’m not that good of a rider! I'm horrible and the horse is perfect and it's all my fault!” said no Olympian ever. So here I am, not joking, vowing to be a
little easier on myself, and to believe in myself a lot more. I have revolved my entire life around
competing with my horses. I’ve all but
eliminated time with friends, missed a lot of important events, and spent every
dollar I ever made in an effort to do this well. I’ve got the right instruction, I’m getting access to
the right horses, I’ve got the will and the work ethic to do it, and now it’s
time to get my mind in the game.
Sometimes it takes getting whacked in the head (and left
shoulder and lower back, combined with a little bit of whiplash) to start to
see clearly. Today I see that there are
a lot of things in the world that will hold me back, but I’m certainly not
going to be one of them.
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| July 2013 |
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| August 2013 |
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| September 2013 |
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